If I don't do it myself, it won't get done right.
He wouldn't know what to do with the kids if I didn't write it all down for him.
He doesn't know the first thing about __(fill in the blank)__
I swear I have three children instead of two.
Those statements trouble me, because I thought women were better than this. At least, as a woman, I hope we're better than this.
Competency vs. Control
Women have to fight every day to prove we are as competent as men. We can't drive because we're women. We can't be business leaders because we're women. We can't be political leaders because we're women.
As much as we take offense to those stereotypes, you'd think we'd be a little less critical of men in general and especially of the men we love. While it's true women have dominated the home-front for eons, we can't denigrate our men for doing things their own way. Doing a task differently is not the same thing as doing it incorrectly.
If I insisted on chores being done only my way, then I'm not respecting his ability and his competence to get tasks done. If every time he tries to help out, I make him feel like his efforts are unappreciated because it wasn't done "the right way," then why would he ever be motivated to help me?
Respect in Public
And why, WHY would I ever try to paint a picture of him as being incompetent in public?
I wonder if we think we make ourselves look stronger and more able if we make our men look small. Just so you know, it doesn't work that way. Marriage is a partnership, and you owe it to your partner not to expose his faults publicly, just as he owes it to you.
I guess we've come to a point where we are suspicious of praise. If I say openly that my marriage is good and my husband is helpful and supportive, then I'm showing off. Or I'm lying. Maybe it makes people comfortable to hear complaints, because then they feel more secure about their own imperfect marriages. That must explain sitcoms and reality shows featuring miserable couples. We can only feel good by comparison.
But what do you gain from that? Nothing. Does publicly criticizing someone make them want to improve themselves? No. It makes them pull further away emotionally. Do you WANT to work to satisfy someone who shows you so little respect? I sure wouldn't.
You lie in the bed you make
In the long run, calling your guy out and complaining about his shortcomings makes him not even want to try any more. In fact, the more you whine about having to do EVERYTHING, the more of everything you probably have to do. That breeds more resentment and more anger for you and a vicious cycle overall. If that doesn't completely destroy your marriage, it certainly makes it not fun.
On the other hand, you could show your gratitude when your man helps out, even if he didn't do it exactly the way you would. You could tell him how much you depend on him. Tell him you trust him to make the best decisions for your family. You could show him the respect you know you want him to show you, and you'll be amazed at how he'll rise to the good opinion you have of him.
